Q & A: Do you have crippling depression?

Sometimes. I just went through a really bad bout of it about 2 months ago. My friends were calling it “Election-itis” and who knows? Maybe that’s what triggered it. But I haven’t quite recovered yet. For a while I didn’t want to get out of bed. Or eat. I couldn’t sleep, it was hard to move.

The “Crippling” part of Depression, for me, is the weight. Have you ever had an X-ray? They put lead-lined aprons over you to protect everything that isn’t being photographed. To me that’s sort of what Depression feels like. Every part of my body feels like it’s draped in a lead apron. Not only is it difficult to move under the weight, the attempt is painful.

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I am not the back end of a rabbit.

It makes me crawl the walls when I hear someone in public use words such as “retard” (or any of the recent delightful variations).  But when someone in the profession does it?  I’m livid.  Their reaction is always the same.  I’m either “acting out” or I need to “get over myself”.  Finally – here’s my take on it.  I LOVE this article.  Thank you so much to Kathy Day for posting this!

“I am not a Scut.  Or Daffy.  Or Schizo.”

 

 

I’ve got the fear, and it’s bizarre.

This is new, and I think it’s a lingering symptom from the past 10 years. A scar, if you will, from the Beast that must be navigated around. Scars are tough. Can you believe I’m intimidated by my writing? How bizarre is that? Once upon a time I couldn’t stop. Then all I wanted to do was get it back. Then I tried to do it, but it was total crap.

So now I’m actually doing good work again. I know I am, because 2 days ago I was really pleased by what I wrote. But I’ve been trying to go back to it all day today, only to find that I’m too nervous to actually read it!

I’ve got the fear.

It’s so unexpected I hardly know what to do with it! I recognize it as a symptom. I’ve felt this before and always chose to find a wary path around anything that set up this kind of trigger – better left alone than to be confronted. But… come on! My writing? Why is it covered by a fear trigger?

This is so not fair. I’ve gotta find a way around this. Because my logical brain is convinced I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. I did good work! Hum. What to do…